closure

Dear ________,

I am writing this letter with the hope that I will never see you again, atleast not for few years. I am tired of carrying all this love for you that you can't even contain in your personhood with the sincere intentions to preserve it so that it could give me some sort of feeling of certainty regarding our future. I am not only tired of loving you, but I am also tired of telling myself that I am capable of loving you even when you don't have any love left for me, atleast not in the way I want to be loved. It's such a shitty thing, that...I am the one trying to gather my feelings and articulating them into these words to spoon-feed your romantic ego and tell you that...

"...it doesn't matter how good you were to me, because you remembered to take all the credit for being a good person, but when it came to take accountability for your shitty behaviour, you were always willing to have a conversation around it instead of sincerely admitting straightforwardly that you're not a good person."

I loved you even when you broke my heart. And I used to tell myself that I am supposed to do 'something more', I am supposed to feel more in order to understand why you weren't able to feel a connection with me because of which you did what you did to break me into million little pieces of emotional ambiguity. But I am done telling myself things that are going to make me more paranoid. Now I just listen. I have started listening to myself, something that I stopped doing when I was with you because all you wanted from me was to listen to you. Even when I wanted to share my grief with you, you were always ready with an unsolicited wise response to silence my emotional experiences by unfairly prioritizing your own narcissistic feelings and ideas.I still love you in a very fucked-up-unhealthy-way, but that doesn't mean that I am supposed to act upon it. It's the kind of love which needs to be in its own emotional space to get familiar with your absence, so that it could eventually understand that it's the most "futile kind of love" which would only end in disappointment and misery if I would act upon it. 

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So this letter is going to be the last thing that I will do for you...for us, as a gesture of care and love. After this, I do not want see you because I saw through you. You are just a shitty person who doesn't want to work on themselves because it would mean that you would have to sacrifice all the multiple personalities that you adopted all these years to survive in various relationships that you ruined because of your very unwillingness to change as a person.

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I know you can do better. You can be a better person. But you've caused enough damage to my heart. I want to heal and forget what love is for a while. I don't want to move on from you. I want to remember you so that I don't commit the same mistake of loving another person just like you !

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Yours not-so-truly,