a letter from this geet to her A - nshuman

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

I have imagined this day atleast a hundred times in my mind. My mind has ricocheted between writing apologies and hurling abuses. Just to find a way to forget the hurt, the embarrassment you gifted me. G tries to be understanding when a mislaid anger shows up in our conversations. It’s been months and I still haven’t found a way to bury it for good. Sometimes it gurgles with the tea at the breakfast and sometimes it falls out like a page in my diary at the dinner table. And it has no name, just a face. Your face. G has his demons, so he understands when mine show up. People think that when you find true love, you forget the part of you that was rejected and broken. But I think it just makes life bearable. It just dresses up the wounds real nice. It adds so much happiness and light to your life that all the past crawls back into the dark embrace of the shadows. It is still there taking its own sweet time to vacate the wrongly occupied space in your heart. It shows up still and you have to keep on smiling because they’d call you a fool for digging up the past for nothing. No one believes you if you tell them that it never left.

So, I sat down to write this letter, because today you walked out of the shadows and interrupted the flow of my life. I was a person who believed in love as easily as one could believe in day and night. I saw you in my image. I imagined you telling strangers stories about how we met and how you'd not visit your favourite place without me ever. I believed that things I loved about us meant something to you. But I was a name ending in a question mark. I was labeled a fool for believing that you had that fight in you too. All of this, all the things I felt during those terrible months of abandonment can’t be blanketed by someone else’s love. The day you sent me away, I went away from myself. I couldn’t hear the song in me. I was left behind. I was shattered. All of the things I have turned into couldn’t be undone by someone else’s love. 

I need to love myself and it’s the toughest job in the world. I have managed to forgive you. But everytime G and I fight, I still blame myself. I am miles away from my own home. I am sorry for how I turned you away but more than that I am sorry that I ever loved you in the first place. I like to believe it taught me something, something I would be really thankful for in my life. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I am sure I can. Until then, let’s just hope one letter is enough for you to leave for good now. There’s no way I want to forgive you again

-i was your geet, but you were not my Aditya.