someday you'll meet the happiest version of you
It usually doesn't matter when I say it but I say it anyway, 'It will all be fine one day'. I say it because I don't know the extent of my brokenness yet. Or the extent of my resilience, whichever it is that the world is after. I say it because I never admit that my heart was in love with love even when I knew nothing of it. I say it because I want to believe that my life does not amount to this plump darkness I feel all around me.
In my little life I have seen many faces and known greater stories of despair and yet my heart bleeds bitterly for my own. Is it selfish or is it just human? I ask myself. Or is it brave that no one else, no one outside of my skin can feel the sadness I feel for me (and still find me fairly standing well on my feet). No one outside my heart can know how much I grieve for myself and for all the faces I see (and still manage to laugh and talk like it's easy). No one but me. Only I hold the keys to this suffering and I think it's brave that despite knowing everything I know, despite feeling everything I feel, I can still see myself happy in distant future. Happy without a cause. Happy without a heavy darkness tied to my heart. Happy without knowing.
There comes a time in everyone's life when life as they know it is turned upside down. Their ability to express the sadness, the anguish, the dread is taken away as well. No one outside of me knows what I feel when I say "I am trying." And yet everyone has almost the same answer "I know how you feel" because maybe they do, maybe in their own skin they have felt a similar pain once. And yet, they haven't felt 'my' pain. Excuse me if you don't understand what I am trying to say because I look forward to not understand this some day.
Some day, you might feel this way too and I will know exactly how you feel but I will not feel it anymore. It will not belong to me like this someday. I look forward to it.
In my little life I have seen many faces and known greater stories of despair and yet my heart bleeds bitterly for my own. Is it selfish or is it just human? I ask myself. Or is it brave that no one else, no one outside of my skin can feel the sadness I feel for me (and still find me fairly standing well on my feet). No one outside my heart can know how much I grieve for myself and for all the faces I see (and still manage to laugh and talk like it's easy). No one but me. Only I hold the keys to this suffering and I think it's brave that despite knowing everything I know, despite feeling everything I feel, I can still see myself happy in distant future. Happy without a cause. Happy without a heavy darkness tied to my heart. Happy without knowing.
There comes a time in everyone's life when life as they know it is turned upside down. Their ability to express the sadness, the anguish, the dread is taken away as well. No one outside of me knows what I feel when I say "I am trying." And yet everyone has almost the same answer "I know how you feel" because maybe they do, maybe in their own skin they have felt a similar pain once. And yet, they haven't felt 'my' pain. Excuse me if you don't understand what I am trying to say because I look forward to not understand this some day.
Some day, you might feel this way too and I will know exactly how you feel but I will not feel it anymore. It will not belong to me like this someday. I look forward to it.
~Anaaya
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