hold onto it

 I will never regret anything that once made me happy. Not anymore. You know why? Because in this god-forsaken world, little moments of happiness are precious.

I remember knowing myself 3-4 years back. I was scared of losing everything, everyone I have lost today. I was scared that it would break me into a terrible person. It did break me, but it made me kinder. It made me softer around the edges. It turned me into a woman not afraid of living in the now. To think of how much I had to go through is a waste of who I am now.
I used to look in the mirror and see a timid, scared woman looking at me, afraid of almost everything. Today, I look at her, and it sends chills down my spine. How fucking brave. How is she standing, still? How is she loving, still? How is she so full of hope, still? I would never know.

But if you are reading this and you feel like life will never get any better, it won't. Here...I hand you the biggest epiphany I had last night. Things don't get better. They do get worse. But then what's the point of it all? So the point is, we don't live to find happiness, we live to notice it. It exists in the middle of your worst storms. It exists always and forever, only if you care to look at it. Happiness is not a destination. It's the small flowers growing at the edge of the road. You have to stop and look at it. And then, you move along to find more experiences, more pain, more flowers along the way.

Life doesn't get better, you do. You get stronger. You don't run away from pain, you sit down with it. You lose people to realize that everyone has the right to leave at any given point and you let them. You live to realize that love for yourself is foremost and it's not selfish. 

You keep your heart open for all the happiness and love that will come your way. And you go on with a courage so soft, it makes the flowers bloom. 

There is always an easy way out, distractions, petty substitutes for love and life, and sometimes they work just fine to dull the pain. But the pain needs to be felt. It needs to be known. Because if you can't see the pain, the hurt, the life, you will never notice the little flowers growing in the crevices of your bones. 

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